Remus's Secret
by solaesce
Summary: I loved her. She had been so truly beautiful, and so alive, with bright red hair, and sparkling green eyes. She had the Hufflepuff loyalty, and the Ravenclaw intelligence. She was even a bit sly for all that she had been sorted into Gryffindor. 5ff :


**Remus's Secret**

This is my 2nd oneshot, my 4th ff. I think.

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To everyone who has ever been my friend and who has ever cared for me, but especially Harry:

I loved her.

She had been so truly beautiful, and so _alive_, with bright red hair, and sparkling green eyes. She had the Hufflepuff loyalty, and the Ravenclaw intelligence. She was even a bit sly; for all that she had been sorted into Gryffindor.

When my best mate first declared his love for her, I expected for her to fall for him immediately; all of the other girls were. To my, no, to _everyone's,_ surprise, she simply tossed her head and called him an idiot for _expecting _her to love him.

During all those years, my secret shame was my relief. Relief that she ignored him no matter what he did. No matter what I did, I couldn't get rid of those feelings; those feelings of relief and slight happiness, and the guilt and shame that came with those happy feelings.

I always felt worse when I saw how truly heartbroken he was when she refused him. Somehow, I managed to convince myself that my feelings would amount to nothing; that no one would find out, and that I would always be able to admire her from a distance.

Then, in our last year, she _did_, to everyone's astonishment, fall for him, and he grew up, though whether she loved him for growing up, or if he grew up from her love, no one could tell.

I was alone in my misery, which I always saved for the night, when I was truly sure that I was completely alone, and no one would ever find out.

Through the next few years, I got over her a bit; for all that I still loved her, for all that I knew I would never love another woman.

Then she and my best mate and my _other _best mate all died. And my last best mate was believed to be the traitor who had given up everything: all of his friends, all of the admirers he had, & everyone and everything who had believed him to be the one to be on the path to be one of the heroes of our side, so that he could lick someone's boots. Now, I'm quite ashamed to have been one of those who believed it.

When I found out Harry, you, had _lived, _had become the Boy – Who - Lived, I tried to gain custody of you, but the Ministry gave the usual crap and nonsense: I was a _werewolf_, as if I didn't know; it would be far too _dangerous_ for the Boy – Who – Lived; I was too _poor_. . . As if they weren't the reason I was _poor_.

I did nearly everything I could to get him. He was, after all, the last link I had to all of my friends besides my memories and photos. Even Professor Dumbledor, whom was the one I had thought could help, thought that Harry would be safer with his _blood _relatives, the Dursleys. As if _they _gave a damn about him, all because of his magic and blood.

I think that was when my life reached an all new low. I was still a werewolf after all; my friends had been the ones who had not cared for what I was, but for _who_ I was. Others tried to help: Professor Dumbledor; but he _was _the headmaster; the Longbottoms, but they went insane a few months later. . .

I think now you're old enough to take care of yourself, Harry. I think that you were the reason that I held out for so long. For all that you have your father's hair, you have Lily's eyes and nose, and seeing you was like seeing both of them again.

Actually, I guess it was you and Sirius, once we found out that he was innocent. Now that he's dead, Voldemort's dead, and you're old enough, I think it's time for me to leave. Permanently.

I know I'm taking the coward's way out, but I'm tired, and I miss my friends. I want to go to sleep, and I don't particularly give a damn to if I never wake up or if I wake to heaven or hell.

I'll be somewhere. If you find me, then I doubt I'll try again. If you don't, then, I'll see you all.

I'm sorry.

See you all some time soon.

Remus Lupin a.k.a. Moony

_The Last of the __**Marauders**_

_And the only true coward in the bunch_

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They had, fortunately, found him before he died, in the Shrieking Shack, with an enchanted silver blade. He was nearly dead, though, and stayed in a coma for nearly 3 months. As soon as he was well again, he was yelled at and lectured by at least 10 different people. Or so it seemed to him.

The only one who didn't yell was Harry. Instead, he burst into tears and made Remus promise to never do anything stupid like that again. So he didn't. Instead he lived a nearly full life, and though he stayed true to his word and never loved anyone else, his life went better and he became happier.

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I hope you all liked this. Please, please review and tell me its faults and strengths. So, go shoo and press that little blue button. _Please._

Also, so that people will know, this is a _one – shot_. I doubt I will write a sequel, as I have no ideas. However, if people _do _ what me to write a sequel, also give me ideas on what to write. Thanks very much! ;


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